My Hunger

I’m ready, I want to take over the world, I want to experience art and culture, I want to go the opera and Broadway shows. I want to see endless sky and oceans, I want to create the most beautiful things ever created, I want to see all the wonders of the world. I want to see the most beautiful islands and beaches; I want to fall in love and to be loved, I want to see the brightest stars in the sky, I want to see the biggest moon at midnight, I want to see the brightest morning sun. I want to hear the birds sing lullabies, I want to see the swans float on ponds so gracefully; I want to see the largest rainbow in the evening sky, I want to taste the sweetest kiss, I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to live. I want to live. I want to live.

You bad bad girl.

I love bondage fashion. I love the leather, fishnets, whips and the sexy dangerous bondage heels. But my love for bondage fashion is not literally; I love the elements of bondage and combining it with other things. There is a unique sexiness to bondage that I’m in love with.

I don’t know how to elaborate more on this but you’ll get the picture in my body of work.

** I was a little distracted with my parsons again but I can't help being into fashion and creativity too much. but I had a huge progress, so I'm not too worried about not being on track.

Whatcha waiting for you stupid whore?

Tick tock, time is running out, and I’m still spinning around in my head looking for inspirations. I do get lots of inspiration from all the spinning but not the ones that I need to complete my Parsons challenge. Yes, that’s right I’m trying to get into Parsons School of design.

I’m really hoping that I could get in, I’ve been dreaming about going to Parsons for years, I can’t blow this – I need this. My life would also be so much better in New York City, no more discrimination and no more getting arrested for looking like a woman - life would be so much easier for me in the states.

I am working hard on the Parsons challenge but when I’m in my head looking for ideas and inspiration to complete the challenge I usually get ideas for other stuff like dresses, shoes. And photo shoots and I end up designing and making them instead - I need to be more focus – I hate getting distracted but sometimes I just can’t help myself.

Wish me luck and pray that I get into parsons please.

On my knees for love

What does someone have to do to get notice in this big world? - Talent? But that is not enough is it? I have met allot of wonderful people in the underground scene that never got anywhere even with extraordinary talents.

Is selling sex the only way to get noticed? It seems that almost every famous artist in the world got famous because of the sex factor. I have nothing against it – I mean, I love the sex factor but in an artistic and beauty point of view not in a perverted way, some artist that do a little too much dose gross me out. The real question here is there any other way besides sex someone could get notice? because we all know that talent is not enough for the world now. For example Lady Gaga, I think she’s a talented musician but she didn’t get anywhere until she dressed in avant guard, write sexual lyrics and posed nude for a magazine.

Why is this world so obsessed with sex? Sex is the reason for almost everything in our lives directly or indirectly.

I fell down a deep black hole

I just saw the rerun episodes of keeping up with the kardashians. I never watch that show before because I think the kardashians sisters are just another Paris Hilton clone – bottom line is that I just don’t like tabloids celebrities, but I do admire some of them for their beauty.

Anyway, I saw the episode where Khloé getting married to Lamar; it was really romantic and beautiful. I think that they are lucky to find each other, they look perfect together. The whole time I was watching the show I kept thinking of my ex; I can’t help it, the wedding, the relationship Khloé and Lamar had is everything I had dream of for me and my ex.

I wish things would have worked out differently between me and my ex. I still don’t know what went wrong and why we broke up. Everything was just perfect, we were in love. He went to London for a year and I thought we were strong enough for the distance but unfortunately not.

I still do miss him sometimes. I hope the both of us could find our own happiness in life.

Jail House Baby

I did that photo shoot a few months ago, and the idea for this shoot was inspired by true life events.

I was arrested by the cops a few times between September and December 2009 because I look like a woman, most of the time they didn’t know that I’m a boy until they ask for my ID. The funny thing is the first time I was arrested I was wearing boy’s clothes with no makeup on and my hair tucked away in my hat.

The first time it happened I got away by paying the cops RM50, the second time my friend had to pick me up at the station and the third time I was lucky to have a date to bail me out. I don’t understand what’s the big deal of me looking like a woman, it’s not like I’m doing any kind of felony. The cops here are wasting their time on me looking like a woman when they should really focus on more important cases that are happening here.

The second and third time I was arrested the cops actually dared to ask me for sex favours in return of letting me go; but I refused, so that’s why I end up at the station and was charged with cross-dressing and suspicions of prostitution. There are more horrible things that happened to me because of the way I look but to keep the story short, people here have no respect for someone like me and they are making my life hard; I’m sick of this place, all I want is just to live my life minding my own business but people keep budding in.

Do you want the truth or something beautiful?

The truth is I have deceived allot of people by the kind of photos I have of me online. From my photos most people think I’m promiscuous and are only interested in me because of the idea they had. I did it because – I don’t know, maybe because I want people to want me and love me.

In this awful world we live in, it seems like love is nothing more than a myth and romance is only in movie and novels; especially in the rainbow world. Sometimes, I think a part of me gave up and I would just be happy deceiving people by showing them what they want to see.

The honest truth about me is that I’m a very shy person, I don’t like going out much – I enjoy spending time in front of my sewing machine and my craft box; being creative every day. I’m a very simple and genuinely happy person most of the time except for when I’m feeling lonesome. I do miss having someone with me, loving me - but I think that is too much to ask for; The world is resisting love and everyone needs independence; so I guess, I’ll chose to be on my own alone and not get involve with what love is becoming.

It’s sad to know that there are such things as sex dates and one night stands, there is no more value in the human race and we’re becoming more and more like animals. I refuse to join that crowd, if that means I will be alone forever, so be it.